2016. That was supposed to be the year everything fell neatly into place. I had been following the path, ticked the right boxes and was finally stepping into a job I had worked so hard to get. Then six weeks before starting my newly qualified job as a lawyer in the City, everything shifted in a single moment: I found out I was pregnant.
What followed wasn’t just a change of plans, it was the beginning of a journey I never expected, one that reshaped my identity, my ambitions and ultimately where I am today.
After finding out I was pregnant, I spent many weeks of sleepless nights worrying about my job. I could not reconcile the idea of what was about to happen with my future career plans. I was so obsessed with doing things right, with working in the City and becoming 'successful' and I just could not understand how a baby could fit in. I had worked SO hard to get there. I had fought so much prejudice in an incredibly traditional world and I was so proud of myself for ‘making it’.
But my whole career was now just balancing on a very tight rope and all I could think about was: "How am I going to do this?".
Despite having the full, unwavering support from the father of my future baby, my now husband, I could not let go of that overwhelming anxiety.
It was the words of a senior partner in a global law firm (whom, to this day, I am yet to meet!) that finally allowed my anxious thoughts to calm down and I could find some peaceful nights. "Everything you think is a problem right now will become so insignificant compared to the baby you're about to have. You'll always find a way to make things work." she said. I held on that thought and started my new job with a lighter heart.
Then reality hit. Fast forward 6 months and I was going for lunch with a senior lawyer, someone I initially looked up to, to tell her I was pregnant. She said to me that it was clear to her now why I did not seem committed to my job and it was because I was pregnant.
I felt so ashamed and so angry at the same time. She had simply no idea of how hard I worked to get to that job and the anxiety I had felt about my pregnancy. That ‘simple’ sentence crushed me.
My first baby was born and the positive words of the senior partner became real. This child was so important and her presence overshadowed all my other worries. I felt tired (no surprise there!) but I felt strong. I COULD achieve everything, the career I wanted and what my family and baby needed. I could still be entirely myself while gaining a strength I never thought I had.
However, it was just not that simple.
I only realise it now but it was chaos and I had no real clarity about the new identity that was created with the birth of my new child. So I just kept going, kept pushing, kept pretending I was the same person that embarked in her legal career a few years back.
Time passed. I changed jobs, moved city and went on to have two more babies. Despite the hard days, the chaos of my day-to-day, the late nights working on client deliverables, tears and sicknesses, cuddles, kids' bedroom floor sleeping (nightmares, sickness, "there's a monster in my room" type of thing)... I blindly continued pursuing that idea of 'success' that was expected.
Everything seemed fine from the outside but that sense of anxiety never truly left me. What followed was a long, exciting, messy and exhausting journey - one that stretched me and challenged me every day.
But that journey is what brought me right here, with you. In the struggles, the anxiety, the achievements, the happy moments and exciting victories.. Capital Rose became real, created for every woman who works hard for everything she loves and wants to thrive in a way that feels true to who she is.
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